Loss

"In three words I can sum up everything

I've learned in life.  It goes on!"

Robert Frost

Through the years I have suffered loss.  I remember the sadness I felt when my childhood girlfriend, Roxanna moved away.  We had vowed to each other to be friends forever and then she was gone.  Then my grandmother's stroke and twenty years later her death. The realization that my marriage wasn't working. When my son almost lost a leg and when my daughter joined the Peace Corps.  Somewhere in those losses my Mother died and for the first time I knew what loss really meant.  That empty, dark space between mind and heart.  Five years of mourning her loss I was able to speak about her without bursting into tears.

Friends and family have died and I have felt sadness but nothing like losing my mother.  I thought nothing could or would effect me like her loss.  Years went by and one day my supervisor said, "Can you meet at two today?"  I told her I could and went out and had a wonderful lunch with my co-workers.  Returned to work and my supervisor asked, "Are you ready for the meeting?"  It wasn't quite two but I followed her to the conference room.

I sat across from her near the corner of the large table.  She burst into tears.  I reached over and patted her arm and she kept saying, "I need to..." Then she would begin sobbing again.
My mind was like a neon sign flashing thoughts:  One of her children has cancer, she is getting a divorce, someone close to her has died, something happened to her family in Spain and as my thoughts toppled over each other trying to figure out her grief, she said, "Oh, I might as well get this over with," and in between sobs she said, "your job has been abolished and you no longer work here."

Then it was my turn to cry. How could this be?  All my evaluations had been above-average.  I had never been given a hint that my position would be abolished. I do remember having been asked more than once when I planned to retire and my answer was always that I did not feel it was time for me to retire even though I was a few years over retirement age.

As if choreographed, no sooner had she finished speaking, the personnel person waltzed in carrying a large envelope.  She sat down, told me how much they valued me and my work and handed me the envelope.  Severance pay, vacation pay, sick day pay and a letter to the effect I would not fight my dismissal. I was in shock. I signed everything and with a horrible feeling I almost puked when I was told, "You don't have to leave right away, you can stay until five when we close." I did not answer, just kept on walking, picked up my purse and drove home.

My heart was heavy.  Tears would not stop. My throat ached. Breathing was difficult. I felt anger and sadness. How could a Catholic organization treat an employee in such a cold manner? When a door shuts a window opens kept running through my head.  God knows what is best for you.  God does not give you more than you can handle. Then zeroing in on who I thought was responsible for my pain filled me with a nasty hatred. I blamed three people for my unhappiness and if I believed in voodoo, I knew which dolls I would cover with pins.

For ten years I had been a loyal employee.  I worked hard and received many compliments. I liked everyone and thought they liked me.  Maybe if I had been warned before hand it would not have hit me so hard. I now knew that others that had been let go before me had suffered as I was suffering. I now realized what they had gone through. Walking in somebody else's shoes was so true!

To help ease the pain, I did what always gave me pleasure. I flew to Puerto Vallarta

Looks like her job has been abolished!

 to lick my wounds.  When my mother had died, I packed my father, brother and two children into my Ford and took off to Mexico for a month. I thought it would help ease our pain. My father and brother only lasted a week and returned home.  I stayed the month and tried not to think about my mother. At the end of my sad vacation,  a friend flew down to Mexico to help me drive back to the states. Then, upon my return, I suffered the stages of grief.  Now, after being forced into retirement, I returned to a place that had always brought me peace. 




A Puerto Vallarta Sunset

In my bungalow by the ocean, I did a lot of thinking, praying, and trying to figure out what I would do  for the rest of my life. Walking along the beach I tried to figure out what the rest of my life would be like. I completed one album with pictures and my prayers.  I thanked God for my health and for allowing me to be in such a beautiful place. Asked that he guide me because I had no idea what was in store for me. By the time I left PV I thought I had come to grips with my retirement.


How wrong I was.  My good intentions, my talks with God and my resolutions went out the window (maybe that same window that supposedly had opened for me) and I still felt sadness, anger, wanted revenge for those that had hurt me, and had no desire to see or speak with anyone from the office.   One day I happened to see one of the persons I thought was responsible for my agony and I did an about face so I would not have to meet her. I knew I was supposed to let go of my loss and get my life back on track but somehow feeling sorry for myself seemed more important. Maybe the office would realize they could not get along without me and call me back was a wishful thought!

I received calls from friends and somehow the conversation always went back to that final day.  I loved to hear my friends act shocked and amazed at how I had been treated. I kept myself busy, joined a church group, traveled, volunteered at a food bank and my retirement became more tolerable. I had worked for over fifty years and I had to retrain my body and mind to a different rhythm.





1970's

1990's

 

Five years later I was at mass and the priest gave a homily on forgiveness. I thought about the three persons I blamed and felt nothing.  Before when either or all would come into my mind, I would feel a seething anger.  If I happened to see a picture of them in a newspaper I would get a tight feeling in my stomach and would crunch the paper in my hand and throw it into the trash with a few choice words.  Now, during the sermon,  I thought about them and felt nothing.  In fact, I wondered how they were all doing.

I figured I must have finally forgiven them.  I wonder if forgiveness has to be a conscious effort or if the problem just fades away, will it still count as forgiving? I can now remove the pins from those dolls in my closet and move forward with my life!

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job.

Depression is when you lose yours

                       Ronald Reagan