Three Months

Three months without my son.
Three months my two grandchildren are without a father.
Three months when he left this earth.
Three months of anger, missing, grief, pain, questions, anxiety and heart ache.
Three months ago a young man with a wonderful personality, a great sense of humor and full of fun left us.

Not a day passes that he is not in my mind. Thoughts of what could have been and how it might have been different fester in my mind. Thinking about his death I pray for peace, for understanding, and most of all an answer to the question, why?  Three months have gone by since my final goodbye. Every time I look at his picture, every time I talk to him, every time I smile at him or I greet him in the morning or at night, I wonder how his life could have been different.

I think about how angry he would make me, but I push these thoughts to the side and enjoy looking at his pictures and remember the fun times. What gives me comfort is picturing him with my parents, his uncle, his friends; surrounded by their love. Sunsets and sunrises give me a peaceful feeling and I think that maybe heaven is a perpetual sunset.

 He is frozen in the photos, forever smiling or forever with an arm around me or his children. I talk to him and how I wish I could hear him answer, yet I know that will never happen. If he can hear me, he knows the love I have for him is now and forever.

At mass today, it was as if the homily was directed at me. The Beatitudes are thought provoking but one line made me take notice: "Those that are in mourning, may you be comforted." A message from heaven directed to my heart. Could I ask for anything more?