Do I or Don't I?

For the past few years I have been looking for a sign that God wants me to receive holy communion. About four years ago, I decided I was not worthy to receive Christ. I had many doubts and moments when I scoffed at the Catholic religion. Lately, I have wanted to return to the fold. Shouldn't God know, since I am feeling so ambivalent about my faith, to give me some sort of sign to let me know he wants me to return to His flock? About a month ago I read these words: ...To receive communion participants should not be conscious of grave sin and normally should have fasted for one hour. One should make an act of contrition, including the intention of confessing as soon as possible. When I read the guideline I wondered if this was my sign.

I am not aware of committing grave sins, but I have a sense that I am not worthy to receive Christ. I do not want to sound like the Pharisee praying in the temple (Luke 18:11) and I am sorry for sins I have committed, yet, I suppose my sins of omission need some work!  Friends, who have noticed I do not receive communion, have encouraged me by telling me that God is all forgiving.  No matter what you have done,  they say, He forgives if you are sorry. He loves you and really wants you to be with Him.

 

 When my granddaughter was visiting, I, after saying a prayer in hopes that I wasn't going to be condemned to eternal damnation by receiving communion before going to confession, went up to receive the body of Christ. She was here for two weekends and I received both times.  After she was gone, I decided that since I was sorry for my sins and I wanted to be in the fold, I would receive communion again.

With respect to Holy Communion,

it is up to the communicant to decide 

whether they are in the state of grace 

and worthy to receive the Eucharist. 

Each one of us makes that decision.

Roger Mahony*

As I stepped up to the Eucharistic Minister, another Eucharistic Minister hastily took the gold bowl with hosts away from the one I was in front of waiting to receive communion. The man started toward the altar leaving me and the empty handed Eucharistic Minister staring at each other. Was this a sign from God? Was this a hint that He did he not want me to receive His body? The person who had taken the hosts realized his error and returned the bowl immediately to the Eucharist Minister and I was given communion. The whole incident took seconds but I was left wondering if God was letting me know I shouldn't be receiving communion. Maybe I really needed to go to confession.

I mentioned the whole scenario to my friends and they told me I was looking for excuses. "When the Eucharist Minister realized his error, he came right back so you were able to receive. Don't look for signs where there aren't any. This is between you and God. It was just an error made by an over zealous Eucharist Minister."

All love craves unity.

As the highest peak of love in the human order is the

unity of husband and wife in the flesh,

 so the highest unity in the Divine order 

is the unity of the soul and Christ in Communion.

Fulton J. Sheen, Life of Christ

This past Sunday, I was trying to decide whether I was going to receive communion or not. In my mind I debated the pros and cons when a thought entered my mind.  If Christ died for our sins, then any sins I might commit are already covered under His death.  What? Was this a revelation? No matter how I analyzed the thought, it made sense to me. My sins were forgiven when Christ died on the cross for us.

Naturally, I would like to be a better person, but I am human and transgressions will happen. My plan is to go to confession soon and explain my thoughts and feelings to my confessor. I received Our Lord and for once, I did not feel guilty! I am filled with happiness that I seem to be moving in the right direction to get  closer to God.

Accept the risen Jesus into your life.

Even if you have been far away,

take a small step towards him:

He awaits you with open arms"

Pope Francis

*Even though Cardinal Roger Mahony, and at one time the Archbishop of Los Angeles, was stripped of his duties by current Archbishop Jose Gomez for the way Mahony handled sex abuse cases, I liked his quotation and am leaving it in my blog.